Um LIVING LIFE DUH! OH my goodness where to begin so much to say. Well it's been almost a year and half since I've written and I'm just not sure why. Maybe life has been too fun, work too busy, didn't feel like opening my computer, reality tv is getting better, shows like Jersey shore have been replaced with shows like Party Down South and Little Women: LA (it's about "little people" and I say "little people" because I will get kicked in the shin if I say the "D" word, they don't like that"), ABC drama's like Revenge and Scandal have been holding my attention (YES), I've had a revolving door of roommates, mo-peds, BF's, FB's or whatever they are called these days, the always weddings, engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties and now add the baby showers, gender reveal parties (this is baby thing, not a Trans thing), sip and see's (again a baby thing, not a stripper thing) and what I've now discovered a FREEDOM PARTY--aka divorce party aka back single ready to mingle aka mama's ready to get drunk and naked aka she needs to get laid aka screw that asshole I was married to and never had sex with, now I'm skinny & hot & rich (with his money) and I'm giving it up to EVERYONE!! Yep that's right all you happily married people with children out there that's what all us single people are doing these days, enjoying things like THIS! So that brings me to my first question?
When did we become a society that has an over the top party for everything? I feel like growing up I guess I had a first birthday (I have the pictures to prove it, although I don't personally remember). It consisted of my parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles I only had one cousin at that time and no siblings (here's to being the oldest and getting to do everything first, whoop whoop) maybe some neighbors/parents besties. I'm going with we had a cake (made by a grandma or old black lady), some RED hot dogs, and some BEER. Pretty sure that was it, considering it was January probably inside @ Holt Lake in the cabin, or @ Nannies house (which was much bigger), a picture with me wearing a party hat and that's is. WTF is up with having a F-ing bounce house, a clown, a buffet, a champagne toast, valet, Pony ride, Bands, party favors (that cost way more than my $10 present from Wal-Mart, maybe Dollar Tree), specialty beer, not homemade dips, not homemade cake, like legit $200 cake shaped like a princess crown that is huge and would fit a 500 pound princess not a 1 year old. I mean how much cake can a 1 year old eat and how many friends do they REALLY have. Oh and I forgot we can't possibly let the one year old eat the really fancy expensive fat princess crown cake, she needs her own "smush" "smash" "shove her hands in" cake. So we can all stand here for 10 minutes while we direct a 1 year old on what to do the with the cake, so we can have the perfect picture to post on facebook, instagram, twitter, tumbler and whatever else there is out there that show our kids are the cutest and best kids around. And while we are at it, let's strip them down naked now that they have cake all over them (because we were smart enough to give a 1 year old their own cake in the first place) and take some more pic's to post on FB of our naked child with cake. Something about this pic reminds me of a Law and Order SVU episode....hmmm except there's grandparents and balloons instead of Ice T & central park. So does that pretty much sum up everyone's else first birthday party experiences in 2014???
They've even invented 2 new baby events and I guess ways to drink with babies and let me explain them from a single persons point of view. The one thing I do like about all these new baby parties is as long as your friends were alcoholics before marriage and children they still typically provide it at all of these events. What I can't determine is it because they know you are miserable because they don't want to be there either. They are miserable because of how much money they spent on this dumbass event, that will next week get blown out of the water by Mikayleah's 18 month birthday party, they just like to drink and why not at a 1 year olds birthday party, their husband wouldn't come if there wasn't alcohol, their friends wouldn't come if there wasn't alcohol?
--First being a gender reveal party-- why yes I would love to come to your house and spend my perfect 75 degree and sunny Saturday afternoon in your yard standing around drinking beer with your family and a bunch of married people to see whether your cake has blue or pink icing, you found more blue or pink eggs in the yard, whether blue or pink balloons fly out the of box, whether there is blue or pink icing on the cupcakes in the box. Wouldn't you just want to be the mother fucker that put Black Balloons in that box just once...???? Surprise these two suburban upper class white people aren't having a boy or a girl, they are having a BLACK CHILD. Now that's a party I would like to go to.
--Second is a Sip and See, this you attend after the baby is born. WHAT you don't know what a sip and see is, where the heck have you been? OMG you are so out of the loop, I mean it's pretty self explanatory. You sip your beverage of choice (yager bombs) and see the baby (hi whatever your name is). See how it works, just another way for parents to get drunk, no wonder our kids are so dumb, their parents literally never stopped drinking except for about 7.5 months when their mom was like "Shit I missed my period. Dam-anm(2 syllabls) no vodka tonics until the 3rd trimester, but my doctor said a glass of wine a day was find, yesssss, didn't you hear that?" So actually that math adds up to they stopped drinking for a week when they felt like a good person and that pregnant people shouldn't drink and they didn't want to be judged in public. Either way maybe my friends having kids isn't as bad as I thought it would be. It means they have more parties that provide alcohol, they are older, dual income, provide stuff better that Bush Light, Beast and Aristocrat (sometimes) and well I don't have to go to bed early or wake up @ 6am with a child, I call that WINNING! So Gender Reveals, Sip and See's here I come...pop those babies out.
So let's talk about how we got to all these baby parties--- WEDDINGS-
Wedding are a whole other story... I've written about a lot of weddings on here, so I'll try and make this brief... but if you know me there is nothing about my stories that are brief. Maybe this calls for a list-- yes we'll a try a list with details
Get Engaged--surprise, he's planned a surprise engagement party that night or weekend with your friends and family
-Send a special will you be my bridesmaid invite-- not a phone call or visit. Could be invitation, could be a bottle of wine, could be paper doll, special wine & design night, could be baked lasagna with be my bridesmaid on the bottom of the pan, could be new picture frame with pic and message inside "will you be my bridesmaid" Well I mean I can't say no now that you got me this fancy frame and put our picture in it?
-Save the date is sent-God forbid all our friends can't come, they are sooooo busy we must alert them immediately to our date and plaster our picture on their fridge for all their other friends to see we are the priority!
-Wedding dress/Bridesmaid dress shopping-- I've been so lucky this has only happened once. But I've watched enough Say Yes to the Dress I'm an expert. This will be whole other blog**
-Engagement party- parties, parties parties-- her town, his town, his parents friends, her parents friends, his college friends....blah blah blah--- All I hear is Free Booze and does someone have a couch I can crash on. Man if I ever get a boyfriend, hope he can afford a hotel?
-Bridal Showers- Her church, his grandma's, her friends, his aunts and god forbid you don't register at Hudson Belk, now my grandmother for one will not buy you a wedding gift if she can't drive her little butt up to Belks (with an S) and buy a gift, she's not getting on-line(doesn't own a computer), she sure isn't driving to Raleigh.
-Bachelorette parties-What happened to just going to the beach with a few friends and getting really drunk and telling old stories. Now it's Miami, New Orleans, Vegas, New York, Nashville. Don't get wrong I love all those places, just my bank account doesn't and remember you about to be on a "JOINT ACCOUNT" and well it's still just me. So unless your future husband has a rich single dad and you are looking for a step mom, let's keep it local!
- WEDDING-- The best night I never remember!!! Just last night I watched "the wedding of the century" video it was a great beautiful wedding and as I'm watching, I see us getting ready, make-up, hair cheers, walking down the isle, vows, being introduced, first dance, YEP there's the blackout moment, Soul train line, sparklers.... back up, yep I said BLACK OUT, somewhere between the first dance and the soul train line was the blackout moment. There was a nice dinner in there, a toast, father daughter dance, a broken dress, a dress change, a photo booth, an awesome band.....all evident by this amazing video!
My favorite part of all the weddings I've been in (no not like in 27 dresses, looking at the groom, when everyone looks at the bride- GET REAL)..um getting the email saying the pic's are up on the website, helping piece together what a totally epic night I "thought" I had and making it a reality or a dream crusher!
---And Finally now you think it's over no BITCH--- where's my THANK YOU NOTE-- In cursive!
So that's enough for today! I'm back and going to try and be more loyal to all my readers...haha. And keep posting and keep ya'll laughing. This is me, this is real and this is not planet fitness it is a judgment zone!
